There is special kind of listening called listening with the
heart that unlocks a treasure unlike anything else. Listening with the heart
creates connection between two people, two countries, and even between a person
and themselves or their natural surroundings. Listening with the heart helps
you, well, get to the heart of the matter. It strengthens bonds. It opens the
door for healing to occur. And it’s good for your health!
You are not alone if you have difficulty listening. It is
one of our most common interpersonal relationship stumbling blocks. There is
only one way to access the key to better listening. You must turn off all those
red buttons that go off in your mind. The flashing red lights that have you
preparing a response without really hearing what the other person is saying.
The buttons that project your own meaning on what is being said instead of
listening to understand the other person’s meaning. And worst of all, the
buttons that urge you to jump in and interrupt because you think you have
something more important to say OR because what a person is saying makes you
uncomfortable prompting you to talk over and shut the person up altogether.
I was in a health care workshop once when the facilitator
began to speak about how to handle someone who emotes in your presence and
perhaps shares an experience that is causing them concern. His simple advice?
Listen. He said, “If a client emotes with you it is a sign that they trust you
enough to allow a peek into their innermost being. This goes for anyone who
allows themselves to be vulnerable with you whether in business or personal
interactions. It is a sacred moment and one you should be honored to witness. Be
quiet. Give your full attention and respect.” He went on to say, “If you find
you have difficulty hearing someone’s story or observing their tears, I
strongly urge you to seek therapy to find out why. That is something going on
inside of YOU that needs to be addressed and healed.”
While undergoing a training in body-centered psychotherapy I
learned to listen with my whole being. When the traditional senses of sight,
hearing, and touch join together with well-honed intuition and empathy – while allowing
the mind to retreat to the background - we can be said to be listening with the
heart. This requires “tuning in” completely to the other person. Most of my client
sessions involved quiet, focused listening to what the person’s whole being was
telling me. Quite often during a session I did little more than mirror back the
few words uttered by the client. At the conclusion, inevitably the client
reported feeling truly understood though I had added little or no input. The client
was able to pull together lost parts of themselves and begin to heal simply
because they were heard with unbiased, unconditional regard for what their
experience was in a given moment. Healing does not need to be in a clinical setting to occur.
Listening is an extremely pleasurable experience when you do
it with the intention of really connecting with another human being and meeting
them on their own level. The opposite, interrupting or talking over a person,
raises blood pressure for both parties and is often cause for two people
moving further away from each other rather than closer to understanding and
compassion. This makes sense when you consider the work of Dr. Rick Bommelje
and Dr. Manny Steil whose "Listening Leaders Newsletter" reports the
effects of interrupting on your health:
Several university
studies have found that people who interrupt conversations are at greater risk
for heart problems. In fact, one study at Duke University found that people who
interrupt are up to seven times more likely to get heart disease! Why is this
so? The researchers theorize that people who interrupt are excessively
competitive and controlling - two hallmarks of the worst "Type A"
personalities.
But here is the
amazing kicker: These same high-risk people can lower their risk without
totally altering their personalities...and without any drugs, exercise or
dietary changes. All they have to do is practice being good listeners.
If you are someone who tends to interrupt or gets anxious
during a conversation there is plenty of information available to help you
learn how to listen. Here’s a great short video from Ornish Lifestyle Medicine
to get you started: https://www.ornish.com/video/feeling-others/ When you have more time, Leon Berg offers great suggestions in his TEDx talk https://youtu.be/6iDMuB6NjNA
Your significant others and business colleagues will thank
you!
Peace of the day to you and happy listening, Robin
