Happy New Year! This
is typically the time for “resolutions” and I propose instead, a “revolution.” I mean, the idea I share here is revolutionary and one I’ve
been hearing, studying, and doing my very best to put into practice for many
years…and it works!
As part of a mandatory class I’ve been reading the Dalai
Lama’s “Ethics For a New Millenium,” where he proposes (from long-time
observation) that humans have a greater capacity for love and kindness than
they do for hurting others. He further
states that the greatest human emotion is empathy. Most people demonstrate an aversion to seeing
the pain of others.
So often in our day to day lives, it is easy to be offended,
to react and feel hurt by something someone says or does. Considering my own experience along with the
ideas of the Dalai Lama, I invite you to reconsider where your offended feelings
are coming from. Quite often my own
reactions to the actions of others, stem from unresolved hurts in the
past. As children, most of us were in
some way shamed, humiliated, and in varying degrees told we were stupid or
worse. We grow to believe such lies,
incorporating them into our being, usually unconsciously. When someone comes along to say or do
something that triggers the original pain, we react…perhaps more strongly than
is called for by the actual situation. Their words and actions may have come
from their own pain, striking out at the nearest target, which happens to be
you. Or perhaps the person you perceive as hurting you had an entirely innocent
intention and had no idea they would be causing you hurt. I’ve been in the situation of having
unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings and felt the frustration of being
wrongly accused of intentional hurt when that was the furthest thing from my
mind.
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz suggests four
guidelines for getting along “consciously” in life:
Be Impeccable with
Your Word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using
words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power
of your word in the direction of truth and love. Impeccable means “without sin” and a sin is
something you do or believe that goes against yourself. It means not
speaking against yourself, to yourself or to others. It means not
rejecting yourself. To be impeccable means to take responsibility for
yourself, to not participate in “the blame game.”
Don't Take Anything Personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. We take things personally when we agree with what others have said. If we didn't agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally. If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us. Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, harms you or yours, it still is not about you! Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal dream.
Don't Make Assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. When we make assumptions it is because we believe we know what others are thinking and feeling. We believe we know their point of view, their dream. We forget that our beliefs are just our point of view based on our belief system and personal experiences and have nothing to do with what others think and feel. We make the assumption that everybody judges us, abuses us, victimizes us, and blames us the way we do ourselves. As a result we reject ourselves before others have the chance to reject us. When we think this way, it becomes difficult to be ourselves in the world.
Always Do Your Best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret. Have patience with yourself. Take action. Practice forgiveness. If you do your best always, transformation will happen as a matter of course.
*********
Another wise man, Tibetan monk Thich Nhat Hanh, told the
following story to demonstrate how easily misunderstandings can escalate if we
act unconsciously. I heard the story at
a retreat week called, Creating Peace
Within the Self, Family, Community, and the World:
A young man and young
woman met and fell deeply in love. The
two were joined in marriage and produced a beautiful son. They were faithful to
each other and to their religious tradition, setting out offerings of flowers
and food and lighting incense and candles on their bedroom altar each night.
Not long after the
birth of the son, the husband was called to war. He kissed his beloved and their infant
offspring goodbye, and left to fulfill his duty.
As the boy grew, each
night his mother took him to the bedroom to continue the offering ritual and
the burning of incense and candles. To
comfort the boy, the mother pointed out shadows cast on the walls and told him,
“See there? That is your daddy. He is with us always!”
When the boy was three
years old, there came a knock at the door.
The mother was elated to see her husband, returned from the war. She called for the boy and the three set out
for the market place. So that they could
finish their errands more quickly, and to give her husband time to get re-acquainted
with the child, she suggested that her husband take the boy in a separate
direction from her own.
The father took the
boy by the hand and when they were alone he told him, “I’m so glad to be with
you again! I’m your daddy!” The boy tried to tug away exclaiming, “You’re
not my daddy! My daddy visits us in
mommy’s bedroom each night!”
The father became
furious. He ran with the boy to find the
mother. When they returned home, the man
would not listen to his wife who pleaded to explain. He gathered his things and left, never to be
seen again.
The woman quickly sunk
into despair, so deeply did she grieve the loss of her beloved. Though she tried to go on without him, she
eventually was beyond consoling and jumped to her death into the icy waters of
the sea and drowned. The boy was sent to
an orphanage to live out his days without parents.
The story is drastic and dreadful, as it was meant to be in
order for Thich Nhat Hanh to make his point.
How easy it is to misunderstand.
How many quarrels between individuals or between countries start with
misinterpretation of events or actions?
How many times is one person in error for lack of giving another the
benefit of the doubt; the necessary conscious
understanding that humans are basically good, and for the most part intend no
harm…especially toward those closest to them?
It may not be so easy, but the next time you are tempted to
take offense, I invite you to take a deep breath and stop for a moment. Is this person someone who is known for intentionally
and repeatedly hurting others or could you be misinterpreting their intention
or mood? Stop to consider their good
qualities and bring to mind your good experiences with them. Does their hurtful action remind you of a
long-ago hurt – a hurt that you may find yourself experiencing over and over
again? Feeling hurt about the same type
of things repeatedly is often a clue that the perceived offense is based on
something old rather than an actual attempt to hurt you. This exercise will only take a few seconds
and just may stop an argument and/or hours of dark feelings in their tracks.
In conclusion, let’s all work together to make 2013 a year
where we bring forth the best in ourselves and others. Celebrate your strong aptitude for empathy
and when faced with feeling offended, call on empathy to help you see the other
person as a kind and loving being. Help create a
Revolution of Peace in the world by
being an Evolution of Peace from within!
Happy New Year and Much Love,
Robin
